Let me start by telling you that it's 12:40 am as I'm starting this post. The alarm is set for 3:30 am, so Jeff and I can take his mom to the airport (she's headed back to China). Why am I awake?! Well I couldn't go to sleep, but this time I know it has nothing to do with jet lag the way it has all week. I'm awake because I'm fed up.
I layed there and tried to go to sleep, but kept thinking about all the things I was doing wrong. This is an "I hate me" day, which I know shouldn't happen, but let's be honest...they do. And sometimes they last longer than they should and sometimes I feel like that's my fault too! Let me tell you how I'm feeling about myself: 1) Ugly - I haven't blow-dryed my hair in about 2 weeks...it's just wavy and nasty. 2) Fat - I'm pretty sure I'm gaining weight, which would make sense since I've only been to the gym....uh...once since May, and I eat pretty much whatever I want. 3) Out of control (refer to item 2) 4) Unattractive (refer to items 1-3) 5) Lazy - I try to get into the habit of reading my scriptures and saying fervent prayers, but I'm mostly inconsistent and sporatic about it. I haven't done my visiting teaching for 2 months.
Okay, so now go back to me laying there...I kept thinking of these things and hating myself more and more. I couldn't make my mind go to sleep and couldn't bear the thought of laying there listening to my mind anymore, so I got up and got on the computer. I spent a little while doing some work, then wrote my dad a long email, which I'd been meaning to do for a few days. Then I was out of things to do, and back to where I started. And here we are. And I'm trying to be honest and figure out what I need to do, but I feel like I've done this a million times - every I hate me day ends with me making resolutions that day, then waking up the next day to my old, stubborn habits. I'm having a hard time.
Jim Rohn is someone I consider to be a personal mentor - yep I'm nerdy, I listen to motivational/inspirational speakers...I have since high school. One of the incredible things he says is that the old saying "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine" is no good. Nobody comes through as well as they should and there's only so much back scratching you can do...Pretty soon a person's going to have an itch on their arm or head that you can't help. So he changed it to: "I'll take care of me for you if you take care of you for me". Wow, you know...at this point I'm starting to feel a little better about my circumstance...
So here's what I say: I say, "I'll take care of me for you" and I promise it to you - to Jeff first of all and to Sarah, Melody, Chelsea, Holly, Julie, Melissa (I think that's more people than will ever read this....but if by chance a stranger comes this way, then I promise you too). It's time for me to take care of myself and make the changes I've been wishing I would make for years. Think of all the people I could serve if I felt healthy all the time...think of all the energy I could have!
And I expect the same from you - you take care of you for me....AND for the rest of the world. The world needs good, strong, willing people and who better than you?
There's no more looking back...only looking forward. Not looking at what I have been in the past, but what I can be in the future - a great visiting teacher, a faithful disciple, a helpful wife and dedicated daughter and sister...with a strong, healthy body.
Here's to a new, better life for all of us! I'm going to bed. :)
xoxo
PS I feel a lot better now - thanks for listening...
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Fed Up
Friday, October 26, 2007
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Oh- Kallie.....if only I was as good as you. I think I had those thoughts once but I went to bed because it was stressing me out to think of all the things I should be doing that I wasn't. Eating healthy, excersising- is that even how you spell it?, reading my scriptures, saying prayers- but good ones, keeping up with laundry, being a good wife, visiting teaching, working full time, serving others...and that was before I had a baby.
You're a good person. God doesn't expect us to get everything done because we're not perfect. But as long as we are moving forward and trying to be better he'll make up the difference.
I believe wanting to be righteous and working towards it is way better than wishing you wanted righteousness. That's gotta count for something.
Oh man, I so completely know where you are. There's some comfort in knowing that even someone as just plain GOOD as you gets in those funks (not that I'm glad you have to go through it, just that I know I'm in good company, I guess).
I've been beating myself up a bit for my weight, for all the stuff I'm not doing, for every mistake I keep making, for not measuring up to whomever. . .
Truth is, I'm DOING a lot. I give 9 piano lessons a week. I have a 4-month-old baby. A child in school. My husband works 65 hours a week. I'm busy in callings, I visit teach (thanks to a companion that reminds me and nudges me on). I am doing. You are busy as well, Mrs. Maughan! Don't be too hard on yourself.
All that's expected of us is to try, and to get better, tiny step by tiny step.
Not many years ago I was caught in a cycle of despair, feeling like there was NO WAY I was ever going to be good enough to make it. I wasn't going to be with my sweet husband and daughters forever. I wouldn't be with my Father in Heaven, because I just couldn't do it all.
I finally figured out that I can't go on these crusades to change everything, right now, and do it all, starting today. First, that never works and I just end up discouraged. Second, that's not even what we're told to do! Line upon line, precept upon precept. Work in percentages. Pick a thing or two, and do 25% or 50% or even 1% better than you did yesterday. Pray for strength, keep plugging along. Have faith in Christ. THAT is what we're asked to do. Not to do everything just right, every day, starting today.
I love ya. Keep fighting! We'll get there!
Holy Moley my Kallie....I just read this for the first time...been in a funk of sorts myself and not blogging or reading blogs...........WE GOTTA TALK when you get here.
I LOVE YOU
YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!
...let's all get together and make some reasonable, doable, inspiring and important goals when you get here....sorry I didn't read or respond until now...
love you so much
Auntie m
Ya ya...I agree with Mel. Let's set some goals and set up some sort of accountability/rewards program for ourselves. We can do it all as a little team!