Jeff and Kallie

(Sister Jackson, Sister Lamont and me - don't mind the chub...that's what happens.)

Saudade is a word that is unique to Portuguese. It's the word you use when you miss something deeply. Lately I really miss being a missionary. Last night, Jeff and I read scriptures in portuguese and then today, my mission pictures popped up on my screen-saver. I've been meaning to write about my decision to serve a mission anyway (not sure why...just thought I ought to). I think today is a good day for that, and a little reminiscing...

When I got close to my 21st birthday, I prayed about serving a mission and didn't feel like it was the right thing for me to do - granted I had never planned on serving. Instead I thought I would go to school for a while then get married. I turned 21 in June and Pete Serra, who I'd been writing while he was on his mission got home in August. I thought that my 'no' answer about serving a mission meant that things would work out with Pete. I was wrong like I am a lot (and as a sidenote, may I please bring up "expectations". They say that a lot of unhappiness in life is caused because things turn out differently than we expect. So in order to live happily, we're supposed to get rid of all our expectations. How in the world is a person supposed to do that?! Great idea...completely unrealistic.)

Anyway Pete got home and we dated and it was good. I have a hard time describing what happened next, but I they way I felt was that Heavenly Father had something to tell me. It's hard to describe because it's not like it was something miraculous that happened, I didn't hear a voice or anything like that, I just felt like I should pay more attention to spiritual things and spend more time praying and studying the scriptures. Along with that feeling came a desire to get closer to Him, so I could hear what He had to tell me.

So I spent a couple of weeks really studying the scriptures and praying to feel closer to him. Then one day I went to work (I was Marq and Melody's nanny). I put Max and Mitch in the car around 10 - I can't remember where we were going...grocery shopping or something. As I turned from Beacon Light onto Ballentyne, one word came to my mind "mission". Again, it wasn't anything miraculous...just that word. I thought back to the time when I'd prayed to know if it was right or not, and in reality my first thought was, "that's it? a mission?". It was the last thing I expected to hear. Throughout that day that thought didn't leave my mind. That night, I went to talk to my mom and dad, who were completely supportive. They reassured me that all the blessings that I desired, including the eternal family that I wanted so badly, would be mine, and that nothing would be taken away because of my decision to leave for 18 months. (Another side note: isn't it funny that I would be worried about losing something for serving a mission? But I really was. It seems even more foolish looking back, but I really was worried that if I went on a mission Pete might get married while I was gone, and I would miss out on that opportunity. How silly...)

The next night, I went and talked to President McCauley (the stake president) about it. He also was supportive. I told him about my experience and how I felt like Heavenly Father had prompted me to pay attention to him. I asked him if that's something that happens and he reassured me by showing me examples from the scriptures of people who'd been called to mountains and other places to talk to God. I felt better about it after that.

That week, I talked to Bishop Stafford, who encouraged me and gave me mission papers. I still hadn't made up my mind, but decided that I would take the papers and at least start filling them out. The next week or so was torturous. I lived with Chelsea at the time and confided in her a lot. I would tell her at the beginning of the day that I was sure I would serve a mission, and by the end of the day my mind had changed 5 times. It was hard for me to say for sure that I would go when I was so unsure about what would happen in my future. Finally one night I got home and once again told Chelsea I didn't think I could do it. I think she was tired of hearing me go back and forth because she looked at me and said, "You're killing yourself. You just need to decide either way." I left her room knowing she was right. Going back and forth and feeling so unsure was killing me. I went to my room to read my scriptures and pray before going to bed.

I can't remember if I was reading or praying when the feeling came, but I felt a strong feeling that Heavenly Father was someone I could trust. Through that feeling, I knew that he loved me and would care for and watch over me. I knew that I could serve a mission and that good things would come from it. So in my prayer I told Heavenly Father that I would serve a mission, and instantly I felt His love pour over me. It was the feeling I'd been yearning for - His confirmation that my decision was right. He didn't give it to me when I asked or make it easy for me to find the answer. But I found it...and once I did, He made sure I knew it was right. In the next 2 weeks I got my papers all filled out, and 4 months later I was on my way to Brazil.

I knew that my life would be blessed from serving a mission - I didn't know how, but I was sure that even my small contribution to God's kingdom wouldn't go unnoticed by him...and it didn't. I was blessed in Brazil with a love of the Brazilian people and learned to speak to them quickly. I was blessed with strong friendships. Families in the wards where I served, families that I taught, companions and other missionaries are some of my closest friends. I cherish their friendship as one of the greatest gifts of my life. I knew as soon as I got back that I had been greatly blessed.

A year and a half after I'd been back, Jeff (better known to me as Elder Maughan) asked me to go dancing with him and another couple. I knew from the very first date that he was the one for me. Remember how I wondered if I would miss out on some things by leaving home and going on a mission?? Once I got back, I understood things a little better and thought I'd be blessed...I had no idea, and now I'm sure that I never will. I'm so thankful for parents and leaders who led me in the right direction - some of them knew that I would make eternal friendships, but surely not even they knew what I would have missed out on by choosing to stay home. I can't even say what the relationships from my mission mean to me. What a blessing.