Jeff and Kallie

There's no hiding it, the past couple of weeks have been hard for me. I don't think anyone who's been through the last few weeks of pregnancy needs an explanation and the rest of you can google it. :) As I've been going along, I've had several reminders about a journal I had somewhere buried in the basement. Each time I thought, "I should go find that..." On Monday I finally did and boy oh boy what a treasure I found.

One of the things I read in that journal was a blessing from my old bishop, Bishop Eakett. I had been struggling, and he blessed me with things I didn't want to forget, so I wrote down everything I could remember as soon as I got home. One of the things he said was, "You will continue to have the blessing of trials throughout your life..." What a profound thing to say, and as I've pondered and taken time to look back on my life, trials have been my greatest blessings. Out of them I've received huge assurances, learned the Nature of God and most importantly learned to trust Him; he is so close.

Several times in the past few days (in my most weepy and self-centered moments), I've thought to myself, "This is the hardest thing I've ever done". Finding my journal and reading some of the things I recorded even a couple of years ago reminded me that I've said that before. Bishop Eakett called hard things like what he helped me through "defining moments". Moments that teach us who we are, experiences that push us to our very edge and show us just what we're made of, times that stretch our minds and help us see what we thought was impossible, times that pull at our hearts and sometimes break them. Each of these defining moments can make us stronger, teach us about the Savior and the real meaning of life and help us grow if we look into them.

At another point in my life I remember thinking "this is the hardest thing I've ever done", and that time I meant it. It was a heart-breaking time, a faith-stretching time for me, and one of the greatest blessings in my life. I am so glad that I recorded my feelings. I thought I'd share them:

06-29-06
"We have to grieve the good to get what's best. Good is the enemy of great and of best. (Melody told me that this week.) We all know what's best for us. We were taught in the premortal life what we are to do, just as Eve was taught. She partook of the fruit because she understood her plan and her foreordination. I imagine that her spirit - that knew the truth - spoke to her heart and mind. It encouraged and inspired her. Similarly we have been taught and know our plan. Eve chose to let go of what was good and filled her with joy in this life - she grieved her immortal perfection and glory with God - to reach for what was best...mortality, sorrow and children, and the hope of exaltation and eternal life. She could have stayed and walked and talked with God. Her life was a good one but she chose to suffer and take what was best. We made the same choice when we agreed to take mortal bodies on earch. We were happy with God and must've had joy with our Heavenly Family, but we knew there was more to be offered us. We knew that it would be hard and painful and sometimes sad, but we also knew that it would be the only way to receive the fulness of joy that our Father had received. Undoubtedly we were afraid of the changes we would have to undertake, and anxious about the newness and unfamiliarity we would face. Yet we had been taught well and understood the gospel and we knew Our Father's plan to be perfect. We knew that the only wa to progress would be to take a giant step into the unknown and unfamiliar. We were willing to take that step. We must have felt sorroe, knowing that we would certainly not be able to keep all of God's commandments, and would sin. But we must've felt joy and gratitude and relief to know that a Savior would be provided for us; that when we erred we could be forgiven. We must've felt the same sorrow in knowing that we would be separated from our Heavenly Father, and gratitude in knowing that our Eldest Brother would prepare a way for us to return. We must've felt prepared and anxious to come to earth and to prove our love and devotion to Him and to quickly return, having proved our loyalty, to receive all his glory.

"The same processes are repeated throughout our lives. Often life is good and comfortable and happy, but deep inside of us (prehaps the part inside of us that remembers best what we were asked to do before coming to this life) reaches and yearns for more. It seems as though our strong spirits - trained sprinters and triatheletes - are tired of walking and want to run again. We know we must do more to grow and serve. Our strong spirits reassure us that all will be well as we reach toward our potential, while our bodies and everything that's carnal inside of us fights against that. That's the part that longs to be complacent and is comfortable when things are familiar; it likes to be in control and is untrained in faith. We MUST listen to our spirits and heed their gentle promptings. We must remember that our minds don't teach us who we really are and who we've always been. It's in our hearts, in our quiet places that our spirits speak to us and remind us of who we are and what is in store for us. It's there that our Heavenly Father speaks to us and reassures us of the divinity of His plan. He reminds us of everything we were taught at his feet and everything we studied under his ever-loving eyes before we came here. He reminds us of our divine heritage - as children of a King - and what's expected of us. If we take time to seek Him out, he will speak to us and our spirits will remember and feel joy and comfort to know that He is our Father and that are here to do His will."

The lessons from that time in my life go on and on...that's just one entry. And as heart breaking and soul stretching as that time was for me, how could I possibly call what I went through a trial? There are so many things He has to teach us and He does it in so many ways.

I don't know how patiently I've handeled the last few weeks, but as I've struggled I've learned (maybe not learned so much as remembered) that "all things happen in the wisdom of He who created all things". I've remembered how close He is and how aware He is of me at all times, and perhaps especially when I struggle. I remembered that it doesn't always seem like he hears and answers our prayers (like the one I've been saying every day to please let this baby be born NOW), but in my heart of hearts I know that not one word of prayer leaves my lips without falling on his loving and compassionate ears. I know He is wise and doesn't let us suffer needlessly. There is a plan and a reason for each and every 'trial' in our lives. There are things for us to learn...if only compassion for others who also struggle.

This week I remembered what He's asked me to do, which is to put my young, naive hand into his wise and experienced one; to trust Him to lead me even when the path seems dark and hard and scary. To hope for Him to bless me not with the things I ask for, but the things that will grow my soul...the blessing of trials...